The Day She Left....

The phone call came in. The news was relayed. Her condition was progressing. "Her", being Vickie, my oldest sister. Her "condition", being her apparent and widespread cancer and numerous tumors. Progressing,....progressing,......progressing to...... to........?

I really can't remember the date, the weather,..... whether it was cold or warm, fall or spring. I do remember that I was walking home with my younger sister from school, thinking about how my day had gone and why I just didn't fit ,.....? *What does it matter now anyways? "Almost home", I remember thinking. Halfway down the block she came walking up, hurridly. And at first? I couldn't see the teaers, the emotion in her step, or how fast she was rushing up the street. I can't even remember what she had in her hands, if anything, her arms. I just know that by the time she reached us, she was crying, head down, mumbling "goodbye, I love you", and "I can't stay here anymore"...... and with a rush of her bleached blonde hair, she was gone............ going farther down the street.

I remember calling after her. I remember looking at my other sister in disbelief and confusion, and I remember we started after her. But after we realized she wasn't stopping nor going to answer us, we then turned for home, running faster than we could and at the same time, not remembering our run.

The rest is just a blur, a big fat blur with sharp points here and there. Selective memory? Significant in my memory, my adolescence, my life.

Oh the fighting that ensued! The arguing, yelling, name calling,...the hiding out of site in our room, the two of us. We were family, but again, being thrust apart, with nothing to hold onto but eachother, whomever was there. Why was this even happening? A question I'll never have an answer for, atleast not a good one.

Sometimes, I think all of this happened when I was five. Then? Sometimes I visualize this all at twleve. Yes, I know the exact age. Again, my adolescence is just a blur............However and whenever this all happened, it marred me. It just did. I think everything marred me,.... and I never wanted it to. *sigh,........ A lot of shit happened, I'll tell you. But back to the memory at hand........

I never really put stock into this "event", as far as if it affected me. Hell yeah, it affected me! And no, to say I was the only one affected would be selfish and damn near idiotic. But, somehow,....I do feel that I am one of the last to really look at this and try and make sense of my own memories, my own warped sense of being. It affected me..............

I remember praying (yes,...i pray....) for her to come back and for everything to be alright. I remember praying every night, (sometimes 3 times!) for me to finish high school and not get pregnant before I finished high school. I remember feeling sooooo alone and wishing for that magical all-so-wonderful-big-sister, 'cause she would know the right answers to everything. I remember feeling embarressed about the "secrets" of my family, and seriously? Those "secrets" weren't THE "secrets". I remember wanting to get all A's because seriously, that's all I was good at. Pleasing people..........and doing the "right" thing.

Sounds like a lot of blame, huh? No, *sigh,...I don't blame her nor my family,....my family life, no. I just wish I could have been a better stone rather than an all feeling sponge.

Ahem! The call came in,.... her condition is progressing.....

I found myself within minutes of texting my younger sister and older brother and reaching out, letting them know, I am there. We are together and we will get through this. And then,...I found myself reeling back into my memories of her. And the only vivid memory is of the day she left, because after that? She really wasn't in my life.

I found myself walking out the gate of mom and daddy's home, and down the street, to the part of the block where I remember seeing her. I turn back towards home, as if I was walking back from school, and saw her. And I tried,...I really tried this time to see all of the details! If you really know me? I am soooo about every inch of the details that it can be pretty obsessive! But not obvious details. Details that spark something within me. And I tried, and tried,....... and there she was, just a figure rushing up the street, and then the crying, and then a blur. My head started filling once again with all the nonsense that happened moments after the initial memory and of course, the years afterward, but I stopped them.

I merely waited and in my heart, just said "Goodbye".

...and then there was just bliss....the bliss of a new sweet summer day,...where all the magic is just waiting to happen...

Kept things..........

I keep things

I keep lots of things.......

I keep too many things.....

I keep toys, cd's, and magazines....

I keep high school clothes, worn to death and never been touched...

I just keep things...........

I keep poems and notes, hats and shoes..........

pictures upon pictures!!! and still take more!

I keep remnants of prom dresses, worn by me and by nieces,...

tickets tubs from movies and baseball games....

sugar packets from Disneyland back from the 80's....no....think I finally got rid of those....

I keep programs from honor programs I attended, programs from performances,...programs from kindergarten graduations, proms and high school graduations...............

I keep Rolling Stone interviews, and books I've worn pages from reading so many times... books I've never read a line from................I keep them all............

I keep all the tooth fairy's teeth, because I know she'll never give them back.... I keep new quarters and everything older than my birth year..........

I am in love with the Beatles and will end up getting and keeping their vinyl records when the time comes.............I'll keep them no matter what............

I keep old baseball mits and busted up baseballs, just because,........

I keep leotards that no longer fit... I keep my uniforms nice and crisp,..not that I'll ever wear them again,................but,..hey! you just never know.................

I keep everything from Okinawa,...........they just make everything look and seem important...and very pretty,......

I keep roses, pressed and dried out...............because I may never get them again...

I keep old candles, for the scent, as it is never the same again....

I keep bottles and of sand from Hawaii, and mainland Japan,... and ask everyone to send me sand...

I keep an old oar lost on the shore and found by me, as a trophy of that days' run...one of my longest on that shore.....

I hold close to summer air, the beach,........and if I could bottle it all up...I'd keep that too.......

I keep silly drawings that say "I love you Mommy" and never let go................I keep my own silly doodlings of when I thought I would be famous and designing some kind of masterpiece..........

I keep old sweaters and name them and keep them close.............I keep hair ribbons and old sneakers under my christmas tree...................

I keep so much,............ and never want to let any of it go......................

and none of this actually makes me, so.............................................

.................why do I keep any of it?

...another banquet...........

And so, what would this end of the school year be without banquet? Absolutely grand, I tell you! I mean, it's meant to be some sort of "final beginning...."...to what? We end the season by congratulating every gymnast on their accomplishments, celebrate retiring gymnasts, and oh yeah,..try to make nice at the tables we were so graciously seated at. Thank you...........

Thank you for ,...? Yeah,..thanks for the food. Atleast this year, the chicken was a good size portion ( I'm not extremely overweight, here, but hey! I paid for it, so feed me!) and very tasty! Kudos to frozen portions and great big ovens! Oh, and the servers were great company, when overbearing parents were not. *hug!

Thank you for your gracious words of wisdom,...........which you had none. Thank you.........

I know, I know...really, why this rant? K,.........I'm over it now.....well, for now............

While sitting at banquet, after spending 4 hours decorating and ad libbing balloons and their positions, I found myself actually enjoying more than just "Rico Suave" and his chicken. Ha, ha, ha,..........no pun intended. My partner in crime for the past 5 or so years is always great to talk with. If we're not complaining together on a whole about gym fees, coaches.. school coaches, teachers...*ah,..you get the picture... We are just letting eachother vent, and making eachother laugh. Wait, I take full responsibility for the laughing. I have to make fun of so much, because it just gets to be TOO MUCH. So? My partner in crime, whom I am indebted to for sticking with me through this whole adventure into "gym world", made banquet that much more bearable.

I've always kinda taken our table for granted. You are seated with girls and families of the same level, as you see one another more and possibly have more in common. This latter part is sooooo very far from the truth. Thank God, my partner in crime has always been seated right next to me, thus strengthening my bond! I mean, she is the one person I look for in all those uncomfortable moments, i.e. meets, lost on the freeway, meetings, set up, take down,.....we just gravitate to eachother's space, and well, I make her laugh. Anyhow, back to the table.

While sitting there, enjoying the chicken and looking for text signal, I realized something more. Our table, of course, consisted of more than just lil gymnasts and their parents, but rather lil gymnasts that have spent numerous years, weeks, days, hours together bonding on their own. And in the process, we as parents have bonded. As retiring gymnasts were reminded of how many years they had spent in the gym, of their first meets, of their skill catalog, our girls seated at table 14 smiled, laughed, and whispered among themselves of their current memories of eachother.

Banquet started out differently this year. Usually, we start out with Junior Team, welcoming these little gymnasts into the competing world of our gym. Then onto team starting with level 4, and so on until we reach optionals, finally reaching retiring gymnasts and graduating seniors. This year, many of our seniors had awards banquets they needed to attend from their respective high schools so everything was out of order. Level 4 Fall Competing Team, training Level 5 was second to last. And although we waited such a long time for them to receive their trophies and be recognized, it was so worth the wait. Because, as the coaches sat at their table, trying to figure out what they wanted to say about each gymnast for every level, all of them realized that at our level, our group, they had something really special. All the coaches for our group, each and every coach, has had each and everyone of our girls since day one. From beginnning beginners, to advanced beginners, to junior team, to level 4 onto 5....privates and functions, June shows and meets. They have truly grown up with them and can truly assess their progress and take pride in all of their accomplishments. THIS is what was said about our girls............and THIS is what set them apart from everyone in the room. Its usual for girls to somewhat stay together in a group. But as coaches and a group of girls,..I think this is a first. No matter, its pretty darn special. When this was said to our girls, everyone looked around, and all the parents and girls at our table, looked at eachother with the look of pride, happiness, and knowing that this bond is truly special. Our girls are mere 5's, with the expectations of staying together until they retire as seniors.

I do hope for this, I truly do.

So, after "taking down" and cleaning up, I decided banquet wasn't so bad after all. I still felt out of place at times, I still felt eyes were one me. BTW? I decided to boycott dressing up this year, and wore my trusty shorty shorts and summer top and slippahs....what? Atleast "I" was real and comfortable. I may not have had my Coach purse and trendy lil summer ensemble going on, but I was good. You'll always have the "better dressed set", the CEO's of some hot successful company, and all those "head of the PTSA" wives that just don't know what to do with their money but buy up all the raffle tickets, out bid everyone on the silent auction, and wear the most expensive scent that's hot right now.....................and it doesn't even smell nice on "them". Ha, ha, ha,....... and yet? I was good.

Whew! Banquet's over. Thank goodness! And, thanks for the memories! See you next year?

yeeeeeeeeeeeees,..

yesh,..i really do need to update this................

Dodger Stadium

Just some random pics of mine. Was at a recent game, and had a blast. Saw something interesting and hopefully, I captured it.

craziness for the week,....: eyes shut,......but peeking,....

craziness for the week,....: eyes shut,......but peeking,....